Lizbeth: Aaaaand… perfect. Asuna: Thanks Liz! You do such great work. I don’t know why we don’t spend more time together. Lizbeth: Because I refuse to leave the safety of my shop, and you keep selfishly declining my offers to stay with me and live in my closet like some adorable boogeyman. Asuna: Ah, right. I knew it was something. Lizbeth: Hmm? What’s this? Since when do you wear earrings? Asuna: Oh god. Where are you going with this? Lizbeth: Trying to impress some master swordsman, eh? Get him to plant his enchanted sword in your cave of wonders? Do battle with the fearsome Dragon within? Asuna: What the hell is the Dragon in that metaphor? Lizbeth: Chlamydia. Asuna: Aaaaaand we’re done here! Lizbeth: Wait! Don’t go! I need details, woman! I live vicariously through you! Your sex live is my sex life! Asuna: Seriously, Liz! As your only friend, I am BEGGING you! Leave the shop! Meet someone! ANYONE! It can’t be worse than what this place is doing to you! Lizbeth: L-Leave the shop? Pfft! Why would I do that? I mean, I meet so many nice people right here. Kirito: Hello? Is anyone here?! Can I get some goddamn service?! Lizbeth: See? I’m making new friends already. Kirito: You have exactly 30 seconds before I burn this place to the ground! 1…! 2…! *Liz lets out a concerned sigh* Kirito: 3…! ♪ To the Right! ♪ ♪ To the Left! ♪ ♪ We will fight to the death! ♪ ♪ To the edge of the Earth! ♪ ♪ It’s a brave new world, it’s a brave new world ♪ ♪ It’s a BRAVE ♪ ♪ NEW ♪ ♪ WOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRLLLLLLLLDDDDDDD ♪ ♪ Woah ey oh ey oh oh! ♪
♪ WOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRLLLLLLLLDDDDDDD ♪ ♪ Brave new Wooooooooorrrrrllllllldddddd! ♪ Kirito: 28…! 29…!! Lizbeth: I’m sorry, sir. Is there something I can help you with? Kirito: Finally! Is the Blacksmith in? I need to make a custom order. Lizbeth: Uh, yes. You’re looking at her. Kirito: Ah, of course. My apologies. I should have instantly recognized your traditional Blacksmithing… hoopskirt. The frills are a dead giveaway. Lizbeth: Sir, either tell me your order, or I’ll assume it’s a knuckle sandwich… with, like, a sword… in it? Kirito: What? Lizbeth: I don’t know when I said “order” I started thinking “restaurant”, but then I remembered I run a Blacksmith shop and by then it was past the point of no return. Can I help you? Kirito: Um… yes? I, uh, need a sword that’s as good or better than this one. I used to have one that fit the bill, but… *Kirito and Asuna screaming* Kirito: Now I don’t! And that is the end of that story… Lizbeth: Whoa, an Elucidator! This is the gnarliest sword you can get from a monster drop! Kirito: I’m sorry. Did you say “gnarliest”? Lizbeth: Hold on a sec. I think I’ve got just what you need. Kirito: Alright. Lay it on me, Keanu. Lizbeth: This is the best sword I’ve ever forged. My masterpiece. Kirito: I don’t know. Is it RAD enough for me? Is it a bad enough sword to rescue the president? Lizbeth: Damn skippy. And it comes with the Lizbeth Quality Guarantee! Kirito: Is that so…? Well, then I suppose you won’t mind if I take it for a TEST drive. Lizbeth: What do you mean by…? *Chink* NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Kirito: Hah, this is fun! Hey, hand me another one. Lizbeth: Wait! Maybe I can still- *Shattering* *Shrieks* *Thud* Kirito: Oh god. You’re not gonna start crying, are you? I cannot deal with anymore crying women in my life. Lizbeth: What the hell were you thinking?! Kirito: Okay, this is… better, I guess? Lizbeth: That sword was my baby! Why would you do that?! Would you do that to someone else’s baby?! Kirito: You mean would I slam someone’s baby into another baby to test it’s durability? No, that is not something I would TYPICALLY do. Lizbeth: You know what I mean, dickweed! Now get the hell out of my shop! Kirito: Oh yeah? What about the “Lizbeth Quality Guarantee”? I mean, imagine if word were to get out that you tried to pawn that dollar store crap off on me like it was top tier loot? I mean, I could have been killed! Lizbeth: Yeah. Wouldn’t that’ve been a shame. What are you driving at? Kirito: Hey, I’m reasonable man. Just make me the best sword in the game, or I will do everything in my power to destroy your hopes and dreams. Lizbeth: *Scoff* What happened to “as good or better”? Kirito: Yeah, that was before you tried to sell me that embarrassment you call a “sword”. Prices just went up. Think of it as the “Lizbeth Quality Guarantee… plus interest”. Lizbeth: Fine! You want the best sword in the game?! I’ll forge the best damn sword you’ve ever seen! I’ll just need you to go gather a certain ultra-rare metal for me! Kirito: Alright, just tell me where to find it. I’ll make a milk run. Lizbeth: Oh, don’t think it’ll be THAT easy. It’s hidden in the mountains of Floor 55, guarded by a Level 99 Elite Dragon. Kirito: *Sarcastically* Ooo, scary. Lizbeth: And good luck even finding it, because the metal won’t even spawn unless you’re partied with a Master Black… smith… Oh no… Lizbeth: Why is this mountain so freaking cold?! Kirito: *Annoyed sigh*”’ Maybe because it’s a mountain? God, I hate escort missions… Lizbeth: Then why aren’t you cold, smartass? Kirito: Well, you see, I equipped this great new mountaineering item called PANTS! Really, it’s astounding what science can do these days. *Opens menu*
Really, it’s astounding what science can do these days. Lizbeth: Oh yeah. Real help- *Muffled* Huh? Kirito: Put that on. It’s no pants, but it should do the trick. Lizbeth: *Thinking* Hmm, maybe he’s not so bad after all… Kirito: Now move your ass! It’s getting dark! Lizbeth: Uh, right! But, like, we’ll be back before ACTUALLY gets dark, right? Kirito? Kirito?! *Gasps in awe* Lizbeth: This place is beautiful! Kirito: Yes, yes. It’s all very shiny. But we need to be very caref- HEY! Lizbeth: Hey! Kirito: I’m sorry. Am I the only one in this damn game who understands how AGGRO WORKS? This is a Boss Room, Liz! You can’t just go running off ahead! Lizbeth: Y-You’re right. I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. Kirito: Greeeaaat. Now get your Teleport Crystal ready and hide over there until I finish off the Dragon. Lizbeth: What?! Are you nuts?! You can’t fight that thing alone! Kirito: DO IT, SACHI!!! *Liz gasps*
Kirito: DO IT, SACHI!!! Kirito: Alright, uh, so we’re just gonna pretend THAT didn’t happen, okay? Okay. Okay? Okay. Lizbeth: *Thinking* What the hell was that? *Roaring* Kirito: Cover! Now! Lizbeth: Uh, on it! *Crystal shattering* *Dragon growls* *Electric sparks* Lizbeth: Look out! It’s a breath attack! Kirito: What?! Lizbeth: Kirito! *Kirito panting* *Kirito panting*
Lizbeth: Oh thank god! I thought you were toast! *Kirito panting*
Why didn’t you dodge it? Why didn’t you dodge it? Kirito: Oddly enough, I was a bit distracted! Lizbeth: Really? By what- BREATH ATTACK!!! Kirito: What, NO!!! *Kirito sighs* I’m sorry about this, Mister Dragon. This isn’t really about you, but I need to BLOW OFF some STEAM! *Shattering* Lizbeth: Yeah! You’ve got it on the ropes! Kirito: Aw, COME ON! Lizbeth: What? What’s the big- *Woosh* Lizbeth: Oh no. *Lizbeth pants* *Lizbeth shrieking* *Lizbeth screaming* Kirito: Dammit, Liz! You had ONE JOB! *Kirito groans* Kirito: Liz, you okay? Lizbeth: Yeah, I think so. Kirito: Great. Then would you mind getting the HELL OFF ME?! Lizbeth: Ah, sorry! Kirito: *Groans* Thank you. Well, seems like we should celebrate. Have a drink, on me. Lizbeth: Celebrate? What are we celebrating? Kirito: Well, you didn’t manage to kill us, which seems like a groundbreaking achievement for you. Lizbeth: *Sadly* Yeah. I suppose it is. Kirito: *Sighs* This whole thing’s been a wash. Let’s just teleport out and call it a day. Lizbeth: Yeah, you’re right. Coming out here was a stupid idea. Teleport: Lindas! We… may have celebrated too soon. Kirito: OH GOOD! That’s really what this day needed! Dying cold and alone in a pit! Lizbeth: Well, you’re not alone. I’m still here. Kirito: AND THE GOOD NEWS JUST KEEPS COMING! Lizbeth: Look, do you wanna keep giving me shit, or do you wanna figure out a way to get out of here? Kirito: Oh, don’t think I can’t do both; I’m QUITE the multitasker. Lizbeth: Is that so? Any bright ideas then? Kirito: I’m, uh… I’m working on something. Lizbeth: Holy crap. He might actually- *Goofy scream SFX* *Kirito screams as he falls*
*Goofy scream SFX* *Kirito screams as he falls*
Lizbeth: Oh, never mind. *Thud* *Kirito grunting* Kirito: Were the sound effects really necessary, Kayaba? *Sad trombone* Kirito: Oh, fuck you! Lizbeth: You know, all things considered, this has was actually a pretty fun day. Kirito: Uh huh? And how do you figure that? Lizbeth: Well, sure, things didn’t go exactly as planned… Kirito: Pfft! Lizbeth: But, I mean think about everything we did today! We climbed a mountain, fought a Dragon… Kirito: Um, excuse me? I fought a Dragon. At best, the Dragon fought YOU. Lizbeth: Honestly, I haven’t had this much fun since my… guild… Kirito: You have a guild? Then why don’t you hang out with THEM instead of going all cabin fever in your shop all day? Lizbeth: I… HAD a guild. Kirito: What do you mean you… Oh no. Oh no no no. Lizbeth: It was about a year ago. Kirito: No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Kirito: No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Lizbeth: I was just starting to level up my Blacksmithing. Kirito: No! No! No! No! No!
Lizbeth: I’d heard there was this rare ore that could speed things up, but it was at the bottom of this Dungeon that was way too high level for me. Kirito: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
Lizbeth: I’d heard there was this rare ore that could speed things up, but it was at the bottom of this Dungeon that was way too high level for me. Kirito: NO!!! NO!!! NO!!! NO!!!
Lizbeth: I pushed the guys to take me, saying I’d stick behind them. Kirito: NO!!! Lizbeth: But then I saw the ore. I got too excited and ran ahead. Didn’t see the trap until I’d triggered it. I got out, but the others… the others didn’t. *On the verge of tears* They all died, and it was all my- *Kirito makes a buzzing, hushing noise* Kirito: *Through his tears* Don’t say another word. Lizbeth: Kirito… A-Alright. *Lizbeth sit up in her sleeping bag* *Digging sound* *Smooth saxophone*
Lizbeth: *Thinkng* As I awoke from my slumber, I found the stranger with the guarded heart, digging through the snow with solemn determination. *Smooth saxophone*
His muscles glistening in the morning light. Deep within me stirred feelings I had not felt in many moons. *Smooth saxophone*
It was at that moment that I learned… the Temperature of the Heart- *Smooth saxophone*
What am I doing?! Stop it! STOP IT! *Music stops*
What am I doing?! Stop it! STOP IT! What am I doing?! Stop it! STOP IT! Lizbeth: Sooooo, whatcha doin’ buddy? Kirito: Oh, well decided to play a hunch, and look what I found? Lizbeth: Wait a minute. This is it! This is what we came for! Kirito: I had a feeling. I had a look at the flavor text, by the way. You’ll never guess what this stuff is. Lizbeth: Hmm? What? Kirito: It’s Dragon poop. *Lizbeth screams* Kirito: Relax. You’re wearing virtual gloves, over virtual hands, holding something that came out of a virtual, not to mention mythical creature. *Rumbling*
Kirito: Relax. You’re wearing virtual gloves, over virtual hands, holding something that came out of a virtual, not to mention mythical creature. *Rumbling*
Speaking of which… Looks like our ride is here. Lizbeth: Our WHAT?! *Dragon roars* *Lizbeth screams* *Lizbeth screams again* Kirito: Going up! *Stab* *Dragon roars* Kirito: Top floor: sporting goods, menswear, and- *Kirito shrieks* *Lizbeth screams* Lizbeth: Wow! It’s so beautiful! I would have never seen something like this if I’d stayed stuck in my shop! If you hadn’t pushed me to face my fears! I’ve missed so much this past year…! Kirito: Liz, I am super jazzed about this emotional breakthrough you’re apparently having, but do you think we could put that on pause for, say, TWO MINUTES?! Lizbeth: Thank you, Kirito! For everything! Kirito: Liz?! Liz, grab the crystal! Grab the crystal, Liz! GRAB THE CRYSTAL!!! GRABTHECRYSTAL!!!!! Lizbeth: Alright. Moment of truth. One-handed longsword, right? Kirito: You got it. *Deep breath* *Daisuke Ishiwatari – “Big Blast Sonic” plays*
♪ Get down to rock!! ♪ ♪ Get up to burn! ♪ ♪ Stand with your pride! ♪ ♪ Never fear your desire ♪ *Guitar riff* *Guitars pick up and drums kick in* *Band rocking their heart out* *Explosion* *Silence* *Ding* *Ding* *Ding* ♪ Grasp the truth! ♪ ♪ Hold it high! ♪ ♪ Thrust your fist ♪ ♪ That’s how you’re supposed to use it ♪ ♪ You must have heard it go ♪ Game Announcer: FINISH IT! ♪ Don’t be afraid to look yourself in the eyes ♪ ♪ Big Blast Sonic ♪ ♪ That’s my heartbeat anew ♪ Game Announcer: FLAWLESS VICTORY! METALLURGY! *Song ends* Lizbeth: Aaaand we’re done. First of it’s kind. Doesn’t even have a name yet. Kirito: Huh. Well, I’ll have to give that some thought. So, what do I owe ya? Lizbeth: Well, actually, I was thinking you could have it for free. Kirito: Really? That’s an… interesting business strategy. How do you keep this place running? Lizbeth: I don’t do it for everyone! Just… certain people. Look, Kirito, I- *Door slams open* Asuna: Oh my god, Liz! I was so worried! Lizbeth: Asuna? Asuna: *Sinister whisper* What the hell do you think you were doing back there? Lizbeth: What? I don’t- Asuna: Shhhshhhhshhhhhshhhhshhhhh. *Sinister whisper* No talking. Just listening. Because you’re my friend, I’m giving you one warning. Kirito… is off-limits. If I see you try something like that again, I WILL come for you. And you of all people know how sharp my blade is. Are we clear? Lizbeth: *Scared* Ye- Asuna: *Sinister whisper* I said no talking. *Liz makes a terrified squeak* Asuna: *Sinister whisper* That’s a good girl. Now, play along in 3… 2… 1. I’m so glad you’re okay! When I couldn’t find you on the map, I got so worried! *Liz starts crying* Asuna: *Feigned* Liz? Oh no. Where are you going? *Liz crying* Kirito: God. What is it with you women and crying under bridges. You’re like trolls. Lizbeth: Oh, Kirito. *Sniff* You’re such a charmer. Kirito: Eh, I do my best. Lizbeth: That’s sad. Kirito: Wha? Lizbeth: Forget it. *Sniff* How’d you even find me, anyway? *Assassin’s Creed Eagle Screech* *Assassin’s Creed Eagle Screech*
Lizbeth: Yeah, that makes sense. Lizbeth: Yeah, that makes sense. *Kirito sighs* Kirito: Look, I don’t know what Asuna said to you, but I’m guessing it was pretty messed up and possibly, probably, racist. What race gives you pink hair and freckles, anyway? Did, like, your Irish dad get his dick stuck in a cotton candy machine? Truly, theirs was a love that could never be. I’d see that movie… Sorry, what was I talking about? Lizbeth: You were apologizing. Kirito: That doesn’t sound like me. Right! The sword! I named it! Lizbeth: Oh. So what’d you decide on? Kirito: Well, after what we’ve been through, I figured only one name seemed appropriate: “Sunlight Heart”. Lizbeth: Oh, Kirito. That’s beautiful- Kirito: Thankfully, I came up with a MUCH better name. I called it “The Piece of Shit” “…” (verbalized) “DRAGON Shit that is!” “LOL Trademark Lizbeth.” And then followed by, like, all of your contact info. Lizbeth: Wh- Why would you do that?! Kirito: Hey, how could I pass up the opportunity cement your legacy? I mean just think, from now on, whenever someone makes a Dragon Poop Sword, do you know what they’ll think? “Lizbeth”. *Liz giggles sadly* Lizbeth: God, you’re such an asshole. Kirito: See, THAT sounds more like me. Lizbeth: *Sighs* I can’t believe I wanted to sleep with you. Kirito: Yeah, I bet you feel pretty stupid- Wait, WHAT?! When was that on the table?! *Outro music* *Fire crackles*