the NFL season kicked off with the Green Bay Packers
taking on the Chicago bears. Everybody was excited. Now we get to watch football,
and, more importantly, we get to drink in
the middle of the week! Yes!
[ Cheers and applause ] That’s right — tonight was
the big Packers-Bears game. Both teams played great,
but in the end, the big winner between
the two cities was once again Pepto-Bismol. But right now,
the Kansas City Chiefs are the big favorites
to win the Super Bowl, while the biggest underdogs
are the Miami Dolphins. Yeah, the Dolphins are 500-to-1
long shots to win it all. You can tell they’re depressed. When they run out of the tunnel, the music in
the stadium is Adele. Seriously, I am so pumped
that football is back. For once, it’ll be nice
to see someone fumble that isn’t Joe Biden. Speaking of Biden,
did you guys see him on CNN’s town hall last night? This is real. It was crazy. He was onstage, and he just
started bleeding from his eye. I swear.
Check out — This is real. Look at this. I don’t know if he
wants to be President or the next Bond villain. “I think climate change
is real, Mr. Bond. No more straws for you,
Mr. Bond. The turtles will see to that.” But back to football. I saw that the Eagles’
offensive line just posed naked in “ESPN the Magazine’S”
“Body Issue.” Take a look at this.
This is real. Wow! They look like a boy band
that fell on really hard times. They just changed their slogan
from “Fly, Eagles, fly” to “Why, Eagles, why?” I was like, “Oh.” This is pretty big. I don’t know if you guys
saw this story about Trump and a Sharpie? Do you know it’s —
It’s trending right now. It’s a pretty long story, but
let’s just get right into it. Let’s start from the beginning. This weekend, Trump tweeted
that Alabama would be hit by Hurricane Dorian,
even after the National Weather Service
said that wasn’t the case. Trump tweeted, “In addition to
Florida, South Carolina, North Carolina,
Georgia, and Alabama will most likely be hit
much harder then anticipated.” But, in real life, Alabama was
never in any danger, so rather than admit he made
a mistake, yesterday, Trump doubled down and presented
an old map that showed the path of the hurricane,
and it looks like a small addition was made to
the — Just take a look. See if you can find the… -It was going to be
hitting directly, and that would have affected
a lot of other states, but that was the original chart. -I don’t know if you saw. Dave, can we zoom in
on that map that he was — Can you —
Do you see there’s clearly — There’s clearly another drawing.
What… There’s clearly —
Yeah, someone — and I’m not saying who —
clearly used a Sharpie to draw another circle around Alabama
to back up his claim and then added it to this map. People were shocked that
he didn’t draw it to look like this. And, clearly,
he drew on the map. Americans saw that
and were like, “Don’t let him anywhere near
the Constitution, please.” [ As Trump ] As you can see,
our Founding Fathers clearly wanted
free guac at Chipotle. That’s what they… [ Cheers and applause ] That’s what they wanted.
I didn’t do it. Someone else did that
to the Constitution. [ Normal voice ]
But after the embarrassment, Trump tweeted a different map
showing that Dorian would hit Alabama yet again. Take a look. Yeah. You know, something about
that photo made me think, and I was like —
I was looking at that. I’m like,
“Why does he love this? Why is he so attached
to that map? And I think I can see why.”
Check this out. Yeah, he’s like —
That’s his hair. As I mentioned before,
last night, CNN hosted 2020 Democrats for
seven hours of town halls focused on climate change. Seven hours.
Even C-SPAN was like… [ Snores ] And during last night’s
town hall, Bernie Sanders received
a question from a member of the audience,
and it brings us to a new segment
called “Get to Know the Voter.” Enjoy.
♪♪ -I have large feet.
♪♪ -There you go.
Some more 2020 news. I saw that…
[ Laughter ] I saw that Bill de Blasio
is thinking about dropping out of the
presidential race next month. -Aww! -Yeah, when he told his family,
they were like, “We thought you dropped out
six weeks ago. This is terrible news.” This is strange here. A bride told her
maid of honor that she could wear anything she wanted
to her wedding, and so she decided to
dress up like a T. rex. This is real.
Take a look at this. Yeah. It was funny until she dropped
the rings and said, “Oh, can someone please —
I’m sorry. This is awkward. Oh, boy.
Could someone, please…” It got even weirder when one
of the grooms was like, “Hey, Doug, what’s her deal?” Well, finally,
the big movie this weekend is “IT Chapter Two.” [ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah, I’m excited. I don’t know if you’ve seen the
trailer, but it’s pretty scary. Take a look at this.